Sex after kids can feel like one of the biggest (and least talked about) changes in a relationship. From postpartum recovery and hormonal shifts to chronic exhaustion and the mental load of parenting, many couples struggle to reconnect intimately after having children. If your sex life after kids feels unfamiliar, distant or non-existent, you’re far from alone and it doesn’t mean something is ‘wrong’ with your relationship. Having children transforms the relationship with our partner in so many ways, but especially when it comes to our sex life.
When I first fell pregnant with my eldest son, who’s now almost seven, postpartum sex wasn’t on my mind at all. Yet having previously always had a great sex life, even throughout the pregnancy, the initiation of sex post-baby suddenly felt clumsy and a little awkward – and I’m sure it wasn’t just me who felt that way.
Physically I was fine and had been given the green light from my GP to ‘go ahead’, yet here I was, my body, and emotional and mental identity unrecognisable. I felt like someone else entirely – with a raging case of hormones. Let’s just say it definitely took a while (a lot longer than six weeks) to get back in the mood.
Fast-forward to my second baby and finding the time and brain space for sex became more difficult than ever. I breastfed him until he was 18 months, which meant frequent wake-ups in the night. Not only did I often feel completely touched out and exhausted from running around after two boys, but my youngest became very attached to sleeping in our bed. Even now, at almost three years of age, he wanders into our bedroom in the middle of the night, which can be as early as 10pm when we’re brushing our teeth and both (secretly) hoping for a bit of one on one time, so to speak…
Why sex after kids often changes
Sex after kids is affected by a combination of physical, emotional and psychological factors. These can include postpartum healing, breastfeeding hormones, disrupted sleep, body image changes, stress, resentment around unequal domestic labour and a lack of privacy or time. When intimacy becomes another item on the to-do list, desire often takes a back seat – not because attraction has gone, but because the nervous system is overwhelmed.
Research tells us that sexual satisfaction is lowest for parents who have a child under the age of five – and given the lack of sleep and how starved we are of time and space – that hardly seems surprising. Alongside this, there’s often this real or imagined pressure for our sex lives to have returned to ‘normal’ after giving birth – and when that doesn’t happen, it can start to become an issue of contention between some couples. Add in the role that hormones play, navigating a brand new body and the mental load of running a household (which often isn’t shared equally) and it’s little wonder why the desire for sex can be difficult.
“After children arrive, couples are suddenly dealing with chronic sleep deprivation, increased responsibilities and a huge mental load, particularly women,” confirms couples therapist and relationship coach Shan Merchant. “Bodies change, routines change, privacy disappears, and many parents are operating in a near-constant state of stress or overwhelm. All of this has a direct impact on sexual desire.
“Desire also isn’t just a spontaneous spark that appears out of nowhere – it’s highly sensitive to stress,” she adds. “When we’re exhausted, overwhelmed or mentally preoccupied, our bodies prioritise coping – not pleasure. So, for many parents of young children, desire doesn’t necessarily disappear permanently, it just becomes suppressed by circumstance.”
Shan also adds that many couples continue to stay sexually disconnected not just because they’re tired but because they’ve stopped taking relational responsibility: “What I mean here is avoiding the hard conversations, letting resentment pile up, turning away instead of leaning in,” she says. “No one names what they actually need or risks vulnerability, and over time this kills sexual desire and connection.
“Parenthood is intense, but long-term desire requires intention, repair and emotional courage, and the erotic part of your relationship to be nurtured just like any other.”
Shan highlights, too, that sexual dissatisfaction isn’t just limited to those in the eye of the storm – there are plenty of couples out there whose children are of teen – or even adult – age, who have been left wondering just how they got to this point in their relationship.
For those ‘empty nesters’, sex coming back into focus can be a huge transition and often exposes the real state of the relationship: “For years, the kids have given structure, purpose, distraction and even protection from what’s been brewing underneath,” says Shan. “When they leave, you’re suddenly face to face again and that can feel scary and confronting. A lot of couples expect this to be a romantic reset, but it doesn’t work like that.
“Unresolved resentment and emotional distance widen over time – and that’s the real danger,” she says. “When disconnection becomes the norm, sex doesn’t ‘come back’ on its own.”
How to rebuild intimacy and sex after kids
The first thing to note when dealing with all these challenges, is that the amount you have sex doesn’t correlate with sexual satisfaction. For those who have young children, your focus should be on staying connected – or rebuilding connection – and quite literally surviving until you have the time, energy and headspace to get back to sex, because that time will come.
“Sex has cycles in relationships, so if you’re in a low-sex phase that doesn’t mean your connection has gone or that this is how it’s going to be forever. It’s about being intentional and doing things to nourish your relationship,” adds Shan. “One genuinely present moment together is worth so much more than a few rushed or pressured encounters.”
Prioritise small acts of intimacy
“Everyday micro moments of connection matter more than people think,” says Shan. “Warmth, affection and playful touch keep the embers alive, so there’s something for desire to grow from later on.”
This is something that was probably high in the early stages of your relationship (pre-kids) – the flirting, the compliments, the kisses, the texts that once read, ‘you looked really hot this morning’ that are now more like, ‘did you remember to take the bins out?’ – all diluted by becoming parents. Desire grows in the small, everyday moments of warmth, so try prioritising those small acts of intimacy and connection.
Practice appreciation
“This one is huge,” says Shan. “Regularly noticing and naming what you value about your partner softens resentment, builds emotional safety and helps them feel seen. It’s very hard to feel sexually close to someone you feel taken for granted by.”
Remember who you are
I know I’m not alone when I say I find it really difficult to make that switch between ‘parent’ and ‘partner’. When you’ve spent all day sorting, arranging, reading, playing, organising, balancing, preparing, remembering, it can be difficult to put a full stop between ‘mum mode’ and ‘sexy partner’.
“For a lot of women it’s not actually about making that switch, it’s about remembering themselves as women at all,” says Shan. “Desire needs psychological space – space to feel autonomous, alive and separate from caregiving.
“In modern relationships, we ask so much of one partnership: be co-parents, run the household, be best friends and somehow still be erotic lovers. That’s a huge ask, especially when life becomes all logistics and there’s no room left for individuality or mystery. Desire doesn’t grow out of being needed; it grows out of feeling like you’re your own person again.”
Talk about this feeling with your partner and understand that transitioning into sexuality again can be a slow process – but you will get there. “Create moments of separateness and aliveness and do things that remind you who you are outside of being a mother,” says Shan. “Not all your energy needs to go on the children, the house or your job. Ensure you’re both doing something that feeds you weekly, whether that’s movement, creativity, social connection or alone time.”
Manage expectations
Shan also explains how she gets couples to broaden what they actually mean by ‘sex’; “because when intercourse is the only thing that ‘counts’, people end up thinking they’re not having sex at all – even though they might still be cuddling, kissing, touching and being close,” she says. “That creates so much unnecessary pressure instead of letting connection and desire grow naturally.”
Have adult conversations
If all you talk about is the kids, the housework, money, your job or *whisper* who is getting the least amount sleep, your relationship naturally becomes more transactional. “Desire lives in emotional presence, curiosity about each other and in real conversations; it’s about feeling heard and seen,” says Shan.
This is also a good opportunity to open up conversations about sex, particularly if it’s something you’ve avoided or found difficult to talk about in the past. Think about how you currently communicate about sex, and what gets in the way of you talking about sex with your partner if that’s the case. Understanding both of your love languages and communicating what you find sexy will help with the initiation of sex as you move forward.
Make time for the two of you
Easier said than done, I know, but treat this like a non-negotiable and even add it to the calendar if you need to…
“I love inviting couples to think about sex more like a hobby – something you actually plan for at a time you’ll enjoy, something you come back to gently for connection and pleasure, not something you squeeze in when you’re exhausted,” adds Shan.
By making the small changes above, it is possible to break free from the grips of fatigue and life admin and stop them from crashing down on your relationship. But could it be that our sex lives can not only survive having children, but may actually be better for it eventually?
“It depends on what you mean by better,” says Shan. “More tender? More present? More playful? More emotionally connected… maybe even more pleasurable? Then yes, I do believe sex can absolutely be better after children.
“Pre-children sex is often carried by novelty and rides the honeymoon wave – you don’t have to work very hard for it. But long-term sex asks much more of you emotionally,” she adds.
“When couples actually do the deep relational work which learning how to repair old hurts, soften resentment, take responsibility for their patterns and stay emotionally engaged, sex can become deeper, more tender and meaningful than anything they had in the early years.
“Remember, the work isn’t, ‘how do we have more sex?’ it’s, ‘how do we feel close again?’. Because when closeness returns, desire usually follows.”
Sex after kids doesn’t always return on its own – but with intention, honesty and compassion, it can return in a way that feels more connected and fulfilling than before. Rather than chasing a pre-children version of intimacy, work on rebuilding closeness after kids for a deeper, more emotionally attuned sex life over time.
